Tug Of War

This jargon in my head is complex.

Like a puzzle with only corner pieces, and here I am cutting my hands on all the edges.

I’m immune to the sound of descending footsteps and empty corridors.

Sometimes the static in my head stops and I can find momentary clarity. But it isn’t long till the waves of insanity pull me under like an anchor tied to my ankles.

There’s emotional bruises self inflicted by my own delusion.

And I’m so tired of this ride, this perpetual car crash I’m stuck inside. I know I’m the one driving but sometimes this sickness straps me in the passenger seat.

I can see the intersection and the sunlight straight ahead, yet I choose to go down a dead end street riddled with abandoned houses. The only occupants are the ghosts from my past that flag me down and remind me of all the damage I’ve done.

There’s no way to purify the pain inflicted upon the fragile bodies of all the people I love. The people who fight tooth and nail against this alter-persona steering me away from them.

I was always told to associate myself with the word strong- but how can I when my backbone was replaced with bitterness and rage?

I long for a sense of peace that doesn’t fluctuate at alarming rates.

I am tired of these hands because they’re stained with all my efforts that never mastered the art of genuine consistency.

Last night the ghosts tried putting out the flames that kindled everything I stand for.

I don’t want to watch everything burn- I just want to keep it warm.

Everyone close to me has blisters on their feet from walking on blood stained eggshells.

I wish my brain didn’t go from zero to one hundred every time I have a conversation.

Sometimes I forget that I’m the one in control because I watch this chemical imbalance swallow me whole.

I have to keep reminding myself I no longer have to fight the enemy and not everyone is out to get me. I’m not the victim in everything.

I can’t keep putting bandaids over bullet holes.

I’m constantly fighting a part of me that destroys everything.

But I’m still hoping I can manifest something within me worth loving.

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